May starts at the end of this week. The semester ends in two weeks. Which means “summer” should be starting but it’s clear to say summer 2020 is canceled L Typing that hurt my soul. No summer? It feels like life isn’t real. It’s like we’re skipping over these big events in life and it’s mind boggling. The only thing we’re sure of is having is our minds free to wander and ponder.
What if fall semester is online?
What if life never goes back to being normal?
What if all our plans and hopes we had to socialize with other humans have to be on hold until 2021?
What if I can’t go back to work til mid/end of fall?
All my what if’s are just what if’s. I don’t know anything more then the next person does. If you would’ve asked me at the end of march when we would be outside I would’ve said mid July but all those hopes are gone. It’s just always bad news, bad news, bad news. I want to see some light shine through this. But I can wish and want everyday but that won’t change the fact that this virus has more power than freedom. So we stay in the house hoping that the curve will change but those death and infected numbers keep going up. Staying in isn’t so bad actually, but I just want to see my friends and strangers while i’m ordering food without second guessing for my health and well being of others. Ughhhh see there I go again wanting stuff but my wants don’t matter right now. They won’t matter for a while. My dreams keep getting more vivid and some of them are even Covid19 related which I wake up and feel so disgusted by. So I guess i’ll put my trust in those scientist trynna find the “cure” or vaccine to stop all this madness. If this seems like i’m complaining or hopeless, i’m not. i’m just tired. Everyday is the same thing. But if you think about it, before this everyday kinda of use to be the same thing. Which is really weird to think about because as humans I feel like we have these little set schedules to ourselves and we always end up adjusting to it. There’s a 99.999999999% i’ll think back to this time period and call myself a whining baby, I can see it. There will be a time I will look back and miss this weird schedule I have. I know two people who have passed away (family friends) not related to Covid19 but natural causes/age and it’s so weird to think i’ll be attending a zoom funeral this Saturday. So I guess thank you technology. In pain there’s beauty, and the beauty of this is being able to wake up everyday; having food to eat and my family being here with me. I’m scared for what the future holds but i’m ready for whatever at this point.
And if I can leave you with some current lyrics that i’ve been singing to myself,
” …Cause I don’t wanna feel like I’m not me,
And to be honest I don’t even know why
I let myself get down in the first place
Tryna keep my mind at bay
Sunflower still grows at night
Waiting for a minute till the sun’s seen through my eyes…”
Rex Orange County, Sunflower