Fears can be debilitating and can drain you from the inside out. I don’t want to classify my fears as PTSD because I’m convinced it wasn’t and that would probably be disrespectful to people dealing with the real deal.
Towards the end of last year (2018) I took my teas exam, roughly 24hrs later, I got my results. At the point of taking the exam, I had never failed an exam before, at least not in college. I was so confident in myself and as soon as I got my results, I lost it all. I cried nonstop for 3 hours and I am a crier but I have never cried like I did that day. I probably sound dramatic, as I always am but this really took a toll on my mental health. I started to second guess myself, my decisions and my education. I came to terms with failing the exam but I couldn’t help but think that I would fail any other computerized exam. I always had the mindset that I was no good at standardized testing and that literally confirmed my beliefs. I think my belief started when I had to take ESOL because I didn’t meet the requirements of my CCBC placement.
As we established in preceding blogs, I am taking my first online class this semester and with that comes exams at the testing center. Studying for that exam was like studying for my boards. I studied day and night like a maniac. My friends in my class didn’t study half as much as I did and the only thing that drove me was the fact that I was sure I was going to fail. Anytime I tried to sleep or think about anything other than studying, I would literally see myself on my bed, late at night, in the dark crying my eyes out. This seems like a pretty good problem to have but it is not. it sucks that I can’t describe the feeling but believe me when I say it sucked. I wanted to stop studying so bad but I could not. it just didn’t feel right to. it’s not my first exam ever, if anything, I had an advantage because it’s my second time taking this professor. I can tell you one thing though, It sure as hell didn’t feel like it was.
On the day of my “not so important” nutrition exam, which was on 7chapters and 96 questions long, I got anxious. I cried on my way to school and I knew I would not be able to live with myself if I failed. I went in and of course, I didn’t have an ID on me. So typical of me by the way. No surprise there. I went in and I am not kidding you, it felt like hell. I prayed like I always do and took the deepest breath. I could hear my heart racing and as I answered a question, I feared that it would just get harder. 20 minutes, 96 questions later, I was done and I panicked. I was going to go over the questions but I blacked out, hit submit and omg I was done. I got my grades literally 2 secs later and magically, I felt fine again. For the first time in 3 weeks, I didn’t feel the pressure or hear the voices in my head telling me that dropping my notes for even a second was illegal in Grace’s island.
I’m on the path to finding my happiness this semester and with that comes facing my fears. I would like to make this a series but I’m still considering it. Would you like to read more blogs like this? I promise I will not be jumping out of planes or anything crazy and it will probably be as boring as this one. Anyhow, let me know in the comments below. Damn, I sound like a real blogger. ok bye.