Truthfully, I don’t know what happens next and I have dreaded typing this blog for the past week. This past year at CCBC, I actively tried not to think about life after CCBC and well… now I have to think about it. despite not knowing what was ahead, I hoped I would, at the very least, have enough scholarship offers and my transition would be smooth. spoiler alert; it isn’t.

Last week, I received not one, not two but three rejections. On Tuesday, I got rejected from Cornell and I mean… I wasn’t expecting myself to attend Cornell in the fall but I loved writing my essay and I truly thought it was good enough. Apparently not. Anyways, I moved on from that fairly quickly but still very anxious about decisions from the Jack Kent Cooke Foundation. I think the wait was worse than the rejection. On Friday, I woke up to a “thanks for applying” email and my heart broke immediately. I went back to sleep because I swore it was a dream or a bad simulation in my head. it wasn’t, and I woke up very sad and cried all day. In the evening, I decided to get over it because it was honestly a very long shot and I tried my best. I was also fairly confident that I would get the full-ride scholarship to Stevenson. haha, what a joke. As I decided to have my first meal of the day after crying all day, I got an email from Stevenson that I wasn’t even a semifinalist for the said scholarship. I started another round of tears and umm I don’t think I’ve ever cried that much in my life. and that says a lot because I cry like every day. Just like that, I had lost everything I had going for me… everything. I’m gonna be completely honest. I lost my motivation to continue online school and even considered not going to school in the fall. I don’t think I will ever stop asking myself what I did wrong or why I wasn’t selected. I also don’t think I will be entering any competitions because I’ve lost confidence in myself and well I don’t know if I will ever stop doubting myself.

I didn’t blog last week because I knew it was going to be all negative and I don’t want this to be negative either. The sad reality is there is no silver lining. This is my rock bottom and it will take time to crawl out this dark hole but I will… eventually. Meanwhile, I have had little to no communication with my friends because I want to be alone and I honestly cannot handle people telling me it’s going to be okay because it won’t, so don’t say it. Don’t pity me either, that’s worthless. oh and the very famous “it’s their loss”. guess what? no, it isn’t. I promise you it isn’t.

I hate that I don’t have a motivational speech for anyone in my position but I hope no one else is ever in this position. The sad truth about competitions is that some win and majority lose. Hi, I’m the majority. So I guess if I were to answer the question of what happens next? I would say debt and maybe a nursing degree? I don’t really know but I have accepted my admission to Stevenson University even though I absolutely do not want to go back to school. Somehow, I am still willing to receive an education. I just would prefer one without a load of debt, who wouldn’t.

Well, whatever happens next, I wish I could take you with me.