Dear Diary,

It is Thursday, April 4, 2019, and tomorrow, I’ll know my fate and just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. You’re probably wondering what my dramatic a** is talking about. well, I applied to the nursing program in December 2018 and tomorrow, Friday, April 5, 2019, they are sending out decisions. I don’t think I have ever wanted anything more in my entire life and omg I am going to cry.

Growing up, I visited my grandmother all the time and we would talk about careers and I always told her I wanted to be a doctor. She was a nurse and my biggest fan. She encouraged me and at 5, I knew I was going to grow up to be the most amazing doctor. Everyone in my family is either a doctor, nurse, pharmacist or did I mention doctor? yeah, we have a lot of those. Everyone had an opinion. Some thought I wanted to be like my aunts but in reality, I wanted this for myself and others just thought it was a phase and I would grow out of it and want to be a lawyer one day. I guess this is a really long phase because I am yet to grow out of it at 19.

In high school, we had to be placed in “majors” like arts, commercial and science and to balance everything out, they made us take placement tests. I am a very bad test taker, like the worst and of course, I was placed in the art department based on my results. I cried the entire day and my mom had to come to school before they agreed to place me in the science department. Basically, science students take classes that prepare them for med school or whatever, and art students take classes that I had absolutely no interest in. it was such a big deal and I started second guessing my abilities. The teachers told my mom that I wasn’t smart enough to be placed in the science department and oh! the look on my mother’s face. She was so disappointed in me yet knew how much I wanted to be a doctor. She signed a bunch of papers that gave the teachers permission to remove me from the science department if I failed a class. If you were wondering why I love biology classes, it’s because I grilled myself with all that knowledge in high school. I literally could not fail a class. No one believed in me and my high school years was pretty much me trying my darndest to prove myself and show everyone that I belonged in the science department. it’s really sad because even till the day I am still trying to prove that I belong.

In a previous post, I talked about my journey to choosing a nursing major and now that I have finally come to accept the fact that I am going to be a fantastic nurse practitioner, one exam is about to throw everything I have worked hard for out the window. I do not know their decision yet but in 24hrs I will, and I am terrified. Ever since I started here, I have tried my best to maintain a freaking 4.0 GPA, but what does it matter if I can’t meet the other requirement. I am 7points away from the teas reading exam requirement for the program and the advisor straight up told me I have no chance in the program. I guess that’s fair, I literally have a 5% chance of getting accepted, but I am determined to not let it stop me from hoping. I feel stupid holding on to the little hope that maybe, just maybe, there will be that last slot for a dumbass like myself. it’s the freaking nursing program and there are requirements like this in place for the right reasons. What good is a nurse who passed the science section of the TEAS exam with 80% but can’t successfully pass a reading exam?

This brings up a bunch of questions I simply cannot answer. Like, am I even qualified to be a nurse or doctor? were the minions in my high school right? is this the wrong career choice for me? is this it? what happens next? will I be in scrubs next semester or will I be stuck taking classes I have absolutely no interest in? will I graduate CCBC with a nursing degree or a general studies degree?

Thinking about this makes me sad and I really wish I didn’t have to go through this, but this is my reality. I guess it’s best to rip the band-aid and hopefully I am all healed and I am not left to drown in my own fluids. Right now, I have no care in the world to prove anything to anyone but myself. I am good enough and I can and will be a nurse. it really does seem impossible and like there is no light at the end of the tunnel or at least the light is not bright enough.  I hope my next post is titled “I GOT IN” but if not, I will survive. This feels like a cycle for me. I remember being this nervous before I got placed in freaking arts and here I am again. I just want all of this to be over. I can’t stop crying. God help me.

p.s have a wonderful spring break.