Last semester, I was sure of what my blogs would look like this semester. I was going to start a new series titled “A semester-long goodbye” but that obviously didn’t happen because I ended up typing a random blog days before the semester even began. I never even said welcome lol. Anyways, Welcome to my last semester as a blogger, ambassador, and student at CCBC.
I knew going into this semester that it would be an emotional one but I didn’t think I would end up where I am right now. The first week of school was an emotional rollercoaster for me because my friend graduated and I have been trying to figure out who I am without her attached to my hip. When I started here, she was in my first ever class and she sat next to me. I found out she was also Nigerian and we clicked instantly. We later found out that we have mutual friends and that just brought us even closer. We went to lunch together almost every day and stayed in school late to work on assignments and stuff. As a shy person, I got comfortable in that and never really hung out with a lot of people. I mean I have a lot of acquaintances but when it came down to it, I was always with one person. I honestly couldn’t understand why I suddenly missed her so much but I did.
That said, I struggled with simple things like going to the cafeteria by myself and last week, I went to the cafeteria to get food but the number of people there was overwhelming and I ran out crying. Actually, I ran to the restroom to call my friend and cried just so we could laugh at how stupid it was. I didn’t realize how dependent I was on our friendship and last week was a huge realization for me. Luckily, my friend was going to tour UMD and I offered to tag along to go visit my friend (How many times will I say FRIEND?). I am really glad I went because it helped me understand why I missed her so much.
I think I felt so alone because all the people I met when I started here have either graduated or started the nursing program. I, on the other hand, cannot confidently say my plans for post AA grad. This is even more challenging because I have always been a meticulous planner and I knew what I wanted as soon as I stepped into CCBC. Plot twist, NOTHING IS GOING AS PLANNED. My life and future right now are not in my hands. It is in the hands of colleges, the foundation and honestly, most importantly, GOD. I feel like I have no control over my life and it’s consuming me. The wait, the uncertainty, and anxiety are driving me crazy. Seeing my friends move on, despite being incredibly excited for them, is just another reminder that I am stuck here. Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE IT HERE but I feel stagnant. Ugh… This honestly sounds stupid because there’s nowhere I would rather be right now but that’s how I feel. Does that make sense?
The truth is I am terrified. Scared of what the next six months of my life would look like. Scared of the unknown. Scared of rejection. Scared that the reality will be sad and I don’t think I can handle sadness anymore. Don’t tell me not to think about it because I actively try not to but last week I couldn’t help it. I do miss my find but there are underlying issues that I have zero control over that are making me sad. I will be fine though. It’s all a process and everything will happen as it should.
I guess what I am saying is it is entirely ok to feel sad and lonely. What’s not OK is denying the fact that you are because that will eventually lead to something way bigger- depression. Take time for yourself, seek help and remember, you are never ALONE.
Also, this is very very dramatic. I promise I am ok.