A year ago to this day, up to this hour, I was watching the northern lights dance in the sky over Kirkjubæjarklaustur. I had grabbed a nice handmade wool quilt and wrapped it around me as my ex was over exposing photos on his camera for the absolute best quality shot of them. The moment was perfect. My time in Iceland was nothing short of the most memorable experience of my life. I announced my engagement over the timeless snow covered mountains in the west fjords. Things were aligning in a smooth linear fashion. My life was laid out in front of me for the first time in my adult life. Things were looking like they could only go up from here.. right? I’d only be a in a better place in a year.
Flashback to the last week — Traveling around the United States aimlessly. No moral compass, no sense of direction, and nothing to stop me from making a series of incredibly reckless choices. I’m on my own now, my ring long gone. I stopped functioning during normal human hours. Catch me writing this blog in the wee hours of the night. For the first time in my entire college career, I’ve neglected my courses. That high gpa I maintained for years may just cease to exist after this semester. I feel like I let everyone down, yet at the same time, I haven’t cared all that much. Somedays, I hope that my lifestyle gets the better of me and I accidentally stop existing.
There’s a part of me that feels uncomfortable writing about my life as of currently. I know I’m experiencing one of the lowest points of my life to date. Trying to fill the void with things that may not be good to my health, my well being, and my future, but I’ve been trying to escape this dissociative state I’ve been trapped in. It’s unfortunate, because really, it isn’t that bad. There are a lot of things that are looking up for me, but it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, when the tunnel is as long as the Gotthard Base Tunnel, whew. Just like in my other posts this semester, I’ve come to realize a lot things.
Even the most accomplished person is fighting their battle within. Everyone experiences failure; Perhaps we experience different variations and different magnitudes, but no one has had a perfect life. To once have some respect in organizations like Phi Theta Kappa, to having a lot of sway with my professors, and to have it disappear (in a pretty bad fashion, but we won’t get into that) really sucks. To being determined to graduate this semester (finally), to probably dropping out at the end of this semester 4 credits short of an Associates is rather heartbreaking. Thinking that I could, but in the end, I couldn’t. So.. is this the end?
In short, Who knows. Time is a social construct. I get frustrated knowing that my friends are inviting me to their graduation parties (for their Bachelors Degrees), and I couldn’t stay on track. Somedays, the darkness prevails and I’m certain I will go no where. Maybe this is the end of this chapter for me, but perhaps there is another door waiting to open that’ll lead to a new beginning, and in the future, I might flourish again. Time will tell all.
(I don’t know if writing about my life is really all that interesting or something people like to read, but just know, if you’re going through something similar, you’re not alone.)