For today I’d like to discuss something a little more serious. This is more of a stream of consciousness, something I can’t articulate so well. There’s no real point to it, but I feel like writing, and this is the appropriate medium. Let us begin.
I have a flaw of the most confusing kind. It’s not definitively good or bad, per se. It’s a flaw that offers benefits and cons. I am completely incapable of balance. I’m speaking of “the balance” of one’s life, the ability to maintain personal, professional, and possibly school-related goals. It’s a sort of Star Wars-esque force that either makes us all happy or makes us stressed out and bitter. The balance, as it’s called, is something I don’t understand. When I have an interest, when I find something that draws my attention, I dive headfirst into that thing. Like a Viking en route to a pillage-able countryside, I unleash all my energy into that topic. I want to know everything about it. I want to conquer it in every way. When I walk into a dinner party, I want to be the pompous jerk whose “expertise” is unparalleled on that issue.
Unfortunately for me, that habit isn’t really conducive to real life. You can’t drop all your responsibilities because you find something that interests you. Just because you like clock-making, or painting, or the chemical makeup of a desk, doesn’t mean you can spend all your time learning about it. You still have work, school, and other stuff, right? Well, for some reason my mind doesn’t work that way. I cannot stop thinking about something that I’m interested in. I can’t stop until I know all there is to know.
Even worse, once I devour all the information on a topic, I’m done with it. Once I figure something out, I have no use for it. This happens with everything, even people. I’m on my way to becoming a doctor. I’m 2/10 years into it, and I want it bad. However, I know that once I become a doctor, once I feel like I’ve learned everything about the profession, I won’t have any interest in being a doctor. Once I know all there is to know, I’ll move on to the next thing. It’s scary.
The flaw I’m speaking about is some perverted form of intellectual curiosity. Because of it, I know a lot of stuff. I learn a lot of things. I’m successful, but I’m never content. I have no ability to be contented, and I have no ability to “enjoy” things. Maybe every student feels this way. Maybe we’re all ingesting so much information that it’s impossible to simply sit down and live. Hurray for living!